Divergence of views not only exits between bosses, coworkers, and friends but in our home as well. In the same context, arguments arise in every couple at anytime, for sure as families experience ups and downs. What makes all the difference is the control of our emotions, of our feelings along with our communication pattern. We are responsible and in control of what direction the relationship head in and therefore set our tone accordingly.
Silent treatment is used many times after a disagreement, a fight; no more answering nor asking questions, discussions is over although a solution is not yet found.
My husband and I have different views behind the silent treatment. By talking about going mute I do not mean that hubby and I do not address each other anymore for many days or weeks. No, do not get me wrong; the contentious topic is avoided altogether, at least I do, but him he still tries to put it on the table. If the fight or disputes were particularly heated I may remain silent for a couple of days.
Why do people use silent treatment?
This is a very good question and let me explain why I do that.
In the beginning of my relationship with my long term partner, I did put big emphasis on communication and dialogue as, in my opinion, this is how a healthy relationship should be. This way, solutions can potentially be found to move forward and meet our goals.
However, contrary to my expectations, trying communication and dialogue during moments of huge tension surprisingly did not work for us.
In fact, when people have different opinions it is not always easy to reach a compromise or find some common ground.
When tensions surface and escalate to the point of him becoming clearly upset, changing his tone to a not so communication friendly one, and raise his voice at me, I chose to remain silent and ignore him. There is no way to keep talking to someone who is of control of his emotion. No civil talk can be conduct, at that phase, to achieve our goal which in this case is to find a solution a specific problem.
One of my cousin said that for her it is out of question to keep the conversation going as it is not going anywhere good. As a consequence, she takes the decision to stop answering questions and leave the room altogether to remove herself from his environment.
If he comes in the dining room to talk about the topic, silently she will move to the family room, in case he persists in following her, she will then go to the basement. Sometime, in addition to the silent treatment, she also feels the need to lock the door, as this is a clear sign of I do not want to talk to you go away, live me alone, go cool down, and reflect on what you did.
There is no way for her to talk with someone who to make a point, gain power or control will bang on tables, and slap doors. Such behaviors are a form of hostility, a form of violence and nobody has to accept them. Violence is violence even if not physically directed towards us; it is not a safe not a sound way to further dialogue.
How do the ignored people handle the situation?
For instance, my significant other thinks that silent is a form of abuse, which I do not concur. If there any abuser in this case, it is him not me, as he is the one who raises his voice on me. According to him, I am acting this way out of need of being in control, argument that I also quickly reject. To me, my attitude is entirely misinterpreted.
Firstly, why will I want to be in control ? That’s is definitely not me, I am not that type of person. Relationship is not about being in control it is about creating an environment where both parties feel free to express themselves even on challenging topic, calmly, while paying respect to the other person.
Secondly, what will be the benefit of getting control? If it will not causing even much more troubles. I prefer staying out of troubles to happily my life with my family; it is way better that way.
If there is one thing that hubby does not like is silent treatment, in the beginning that gives him a lot of problems. But with the passing of time while he still do not like it, which I doubt it will ever, his reaction has changed.
Now he thinks two things, he just has to wait for me to get in a better mood, or a more opportune moment to put the topic back on the table, since he thinks he can be successful.
Otherwise, in his views, it can take six months or even a year for me to resume the conversation and finish it; in other terms find a solution or an alternative to the problem or an alternative. There is some exaggeration here or sure.
He also says that does not bother him anymore, but I am not quite sure, he just handle it a different way.
By imposing silent treatment, in hubby’s opinion, I am sabotaging communication, I am not giving ourselves the opportunity to move forwards with our plans and projects and as a consequences he has alone to take decisions that I may not like.
After second thought I think there is some kind of truth there.
Hubby has also a comment that can sound misogynistic, Silent treatment is used because I am a women, and women use it more than men as they, are weak. Hmm, once again I do not agree at all.
I do not think I am a weak human being, I am a mature woman who knows how to express herself and how to look after her well-being. I shut myself down only I feel that the situation is not going anywhere and I do not want the fight to escalate. It is not something done to teach his a lesson, to punish him as he believe.
Silent treatment does not help moving forward, if we need some time and space to reflect and or cool down as sometimes we may feel exhausted by some tough situatioins, exprex ourselves and say it.
Our partner does not know what is going on in our head if we do not say it; thinking that silence is going to solve the situation is not true. Where there is no communication it is hard to move forward. Brainstorming together is better than doing it on our own when it comes to find good ideas, making plans and handle issues.
Ask why he or she is ignoring you while other means of communication can be used.
Please do not make that an habit as it is not healthy.
The sooner the silence is broken the better it is for the committed relationship or marriage.
Although that situation can be infuriating keep it cool; try to think about something else, practice your hobby to unwind.
Giving silent treatment to your partner is not always a good ways of solving issues, think of exploring other avenues instead!
