In the lives of couples, like in other type of relationships, communication is an important tool; in case it does not work well, I am afraid that arguments happen time and time again, which is definitely not healthy. Therefore, a well-implemented channel of communication between the two parties is necessary for the sake of their marital life. You may talk all you like, saying the same thing all the time, if your partner does not understand part of what you say or does not get it at all, the problem will be quite hard to be solved.
At the end of the day, you will be tired of repeating yourself and not seeing any improvement in your relationship. The unheard feeling can be quite overwhelming.
Before going deeper in the topic, let me tell you the story of my mom and one of my siblings.
One day mom told me, Lou you know what? Your sister is not as nice as I thought. When I asked her why she told me that my sister said that street kids have the right to do harm in order to survive.
Knowing my sister, It was pretty hard to believe mom’s tale. When I ask Janet, my sister, what did she and our mom talked regarding children leaving on the street, she told me a complete story. Most of them do not know about a good life and to them the unique way to survive is to pick-pocking and stuff like that, which is very unfortunate.
This is an illustration where something that simple was getting wrongly interpreted.
In the same vein, let’s talk about that couple who went to an appointment with a marriage therapist. When this later told them that today they will do an exercise to assess their communication level, they bot agree to do so. When the wife would say something then the husband had to repeat it; it did not have to be word for word as long as the idea is maintained it was good.
The wife started saying that my husband arrives at home he take a shower afterwards, he does other stuff before coming to see the baby and asking me how do I do, how was my day? How did the baby spend the day?
After she was done with her part, the counselor asked him if he was ready to take turn, his answer was yes. Then he started to say that you are accusing me of not taking care of the baby, you are putting the blame on me. Why do you do that?
The couple’s counselor stopped him to first remind him that the session was not about venting feelings nor asking questions. Secondly, that his job was to only repeat what his other half just stated.
When asked whether her sentences were faithfully conveyed, Emily, the wife, stated that he got it completely wrong as she never said nor implied anything like that.
Explaining herself, Emily let him know that she was just telling the counselor about his after work routine when he got back home; which the counselor backed up. Then the therapist gave Emily the floor again.
That time she said that, she waked up taking care of the baby, bathing him, putting clothes on him, feed him eight times, and then she order food for her and for him too so that he found something to eat after work.
As the first time, the counselor asked him if he was ready to repeat her say, he answered yes. Then she said are you sure, that you don’t want her to say it again? He assured that he heard it well, then he started saying that oh well, so you are also accusing me of not buying food, not buying grocery while every weekend I went to the grocery shop to buy food so that the we always had food home.
Also he added that sometimes he even went to two or three grocery stores to buy organic, or ethnic food. So he could hardly understand why she could imply he did not support the family bringing food home.While saying that you can see on his face his level of unhappiness, and disappointment.
Turning towards Emily the therapist asked whether her husband’s reporting was accurate.
Unfortunately, like the first time, Emily said that she did not accuse him of anything, that was not her intention at all. If they come to the counselor’s office it is because she wanted to work through things between them. That putting accusation would not of any benefits, on the contrary that might worsen their situation.
As he got upset he said yes this is what you said, and they both started to talk at the same time. The counselor had to intervene so that the situation did not escalate. After silence has been reestablished she decided to talk to both of them.
Sometimes, you might think that you clearly expressed yourself that there was no way that your other half would not get you, but it could come as a huge surprise when you realize that maybe a fraction only of your ideas was correctly interpreted. In such cases, how could you expect to have a good result, a good feedback, or get some nice ideas to solve an issue?
You would be frustrated and he would be frustrated as well, as both of you think the other person is wrong, or talking the topic wrongly. And this way blame is put on each other, accusations fuse from each party side, tension increase, and arguments escalate.
Did you realize that by only rephrasing what your husband/wife just stated you can avoid all that trouble, and at the same time, getting a solution to your problems? Your life could be easier guys. Because when you reformulate if you got it wrong, the person let you know that was not that has been said, and will repeat himself/herself for you to understand.
That couple needed this type of therapy to realize two things. First, what that had been stated was not always clearly perceived. And that we could explain ourselves better using different words, changing our tone, and or giving examples to illustrate our thoughts.
Secondly, the interlocutor’s reaction was systematically not in bad faith, the fact of not getting something can make up upset, mad, and when we are boiling inside we became like blind and bad thoughts might run in our heads.
When having a talk with your sweet heart and you notice that you are talking about two different things, or you are not on the same page. Please ask him or her to reformulate this way the topic can be addressed as it should be.
